Sunday, May 29, 2005 .

Father, im so sorry.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 11:15 PM
------ Friday, May 27, 2005 .

WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im stressed. the pressure's running HIGH. hmm. CRAP. nevermindd. this is the ULTIMATE. i get muscle aches from SLEEPING and back aches from LEANING ON THE WALL. wow. i love my body. totallyy. grr. crazy nerves and sensory neurones. and chinese os are in 3 days? AND I HAVENT FINISHED STUDYING YET! and im getting so tired, that i can sleep for like. 12 hrs non stop and still feel like sleeping. and the WORST part of that is how quickly my energy is depleting. its as though i take one step and all the energy i have just DISAPPEARS and i start looking and talking like i havent slept for days, when i just woke up from a very very long NAP. right. whats happening to me!? im turning OLD. :(
**the post about us not even sure about our own salvation, the quote i used, even though it was lifted directly off a book, seems to be out of context, as i was told. so... A THOUSAND APOLOGIES!! :)

my life is full of contradictions. maybe i do have double standards. hmm.
how can the perversion (if theres even such a word) of mankind not be a sin?

GOOD LUCK COMRADES.TOGETHER, WE SHALL DEFEAT THE MT O LEVEL PAPER.

"The Lord detests differing weights, and dishonest scales do not please him."
Proverbs 20:23

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 10:54 PM
------ Monday, May 23, 2005 .

"everyone needs a knight in shining armour. we admire them for their bravery, for their courage, their goodness. and most of all, we just want to be rescued. however, if our knight is the wrong knight, then maybe, we need to rescue ourselves."
-desperate housewives.

my mother has been overly protective of me lately. but i dont see the point. she could have done this earlier. now, its too late to make amends. she's TEN years too late. too bad.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 11:18 PM
------ .

i watched star wars today, with zhixin. and i realised something. being a jedi, is like being a christian. it is difficult. VERY difficult. and as it is so difficult, it is so easy to succumb to evil as well. just like what anakin skywalker did. succumbed to pure evil, the very thing he had fought against.

me: aniki. being christian is difficult. i cant be human. i feel like giving up.
brother: you heard of the christian way of life?
me: yeahh. what about it?
brother: yes. you have to perservere. because when you live the christian way of life, the christians around you would have an easier time being christian, and when that happens, they make the lives of other christians easier as well. so it all starts with you. arent you proud of yourself? -gives stupid face-

::CORNY::

but what he said was right. i realised that in a christian community, it makes living the christian way of life much more bearable. when everybody in the christian community lives the christian way of life, it makes everything so much easier. for example. if i do not shout at somebody, i do not allow her to be in a difficult position. to shout back or to swallow. see? by doing so, i would make life easier for people. maybe everybody whos reading this now does not understand a single hoot im hooting about, but soon enough, people will realise this as well. just know that its a VICIOUS cycle. uhhuh.

another thing to touch on today. yesterday night, i was chatting with a non-believer. and he asked me a very strange question. "is christianity ALL about going to heaven?" and i couldnt answer. is christ REALLY ALL about going to heaven ONLY? is my purpose in believing in Him just to enter the kingdom of heaven? or is it not. after thinking for a really long time (the whole night) about this, i finally found the answer. this is what i believe in. christ isnt ALL about going to heaven. christianity is about a relationship with God, and whats so special about this God, is that he LISTENS to us. and he embraces us when we are upset. he turns our mourning into dancing, and our sorrow into joy. when we fall down, he is that mattress that breaks our fall and the blanket of comfort when we want to give up. he is that still and resilient voice that encourages us to carry on and not to give up. THIS IS WHAT CHRISTIANITY IS ABOUT! it is a 'package' of things together. having God as the one who clears our paths for us, and also the good news : salvation through Jesus. if anyone thinks that christianity is ALL and ONLY about salvation, then i suggest that you go commit suicide now. you would get to heaven faster. (p/s: commiting suicide btw, is a ONE WAY TICKET to hell.)

and another thing. for goodness sake. we are NEVER 100% sure that we ARE going to heaven. for we are not God. what we can only do, is to prepare ourselves to the best we can for the day of judgement. even the apostle Paul did not claim absolute certainty about his own salvation. who could have had more reason for being sure about his own salvation than paul? Who had a more dramatic and radical conversion experience? who could claim to have given up his whole life and destiny for the sake of the Gospel more completely than paul? but the apostle paul refused to make any final judgement about his own salvation.

"I do not even judge myself. I am not aware of anything against myself, but i am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgement before the time, before the lord comes, who will bring to light the things hidden in darkness and disclose the purposes of the heart. Then every man will receive his commendation from God."
I Corinthians 4:3-5

yes. who are we to judge? we are not God. you, like those whom you judge, are human. neither created themselves or others. but both were created by One. so how can we judge when we are created by the same Godhead? do not go around, condemning others, and telling them that they are going to hell, when we, as christians (protestants, catholics, orthodox, anglicans etc.), are not even sure about our own salvation.

`jiaqi.

your light broke through my night,
restored exceeding joy.
Your grace fell like the rain
And made this desert live.

Your hand lifted me up
I stand on higher ground.
Your praise rose in my heart
And made this valley sing.

aerin stoning again at 6:22 PM
------ Sunday, May 22, 2005 .

sin has lost its power.
death has lost its sting
from the grave,
You've risen victoriously.

Into marvellous light im running,
out of darkness, out of shame.
by the cross, You are the truth,
You are the life, You are the way.

You have turned
my mourning into dancing.
You have turned
my sorrow into joy.

THIS IS HOW WE OVERCOME.

aerin stoning again at 7:32 PM
------ .

went for bible study today. zibing told me that i need to submit to authority. just wanted to get this straight to her. that i respect the church elders. yeahh. just because i dont address them by their supposed salutation before their name doesnt mean that i do not respect and honour them. i do. but its okay. ill do whatever you all ask me to.
and ill forgive whatever lynette has done. and ill forgive my parents as well. im not perfect, but i must be perfect, for the Father is perfect. i am sinful, but i have to be sinless, because the Father in heaven detests sin. i am not blameless, but i have to be blameless before the Lord. everything for Him.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 6:04 PM
------ Saturday, May 21, 2005 .

if this person is reading this now...
[i wanna apologise for being so rude on friday. i really didnt mean it. was just feeling upset about my results and certain problems at home. yeahh. i really appreciate your effort to educate me on certain issues, and yupp. if i sounded like i didnt care or didnt wanna know, i didnt mean it. and im sorry for complaining as well. its not your fault anyway. SORRY.]

I HAD A GREAT TIME TODAY WITH MY BROTHER AND HIS FRIENDS!!! =) though...i had to miss church. :( i saw an orthodox baptism today. it was COOL STUFF!!!!!!! it was seriously COOL. and AWESOME. seriously. and it was like a cultural shock. coz i have never seen an orthodox before, let alone a baptism, even for protestants and catholic baptism ive never seen before. so it was quite enriching, in terms of knowledge. YAY. i learnt something today. had dinner with my brother and his friends... PATRICK IS SHUAI. AND COOL. WITH COOL HAIR AND COOL SPECS. and audrey is pretty. really pretty. and alice and michelle are funny. and jonathan is NICE. wow. =) matthew is nerdyy.. but nice as well. yupp. had a great time. chatted with grace till her mum yelled at her. -oops- heard a couple of really absurd stuff today, from grace.. and yeahh. i mean. if a person cant accept my flaws, my differences and just the very fact that im WEIRD, then the person cant accept me. and i cant blame him / her. coz the only person whos gonna suffer, is him / her. cause he / she has to tolerate me and get angry with me and force himself / herself to talk to me. thats just plain hell. so yeahh.. might as well dont be my friend huh. people are weird. they love making things complicated and complex. when they can just make things SIMPLE. oh well. nothing i can do about it anyway. i know im a difficult person to be with, and to teach, and to talk to. so yeahh..
hmm. got my modem back up. realised that it was something to do with some number thingy.
haha. oh well. figured out my destiny today.... its really cool and ultimate.

TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE IN.
yupp. thats my destiny. as well as many others. cool huh. i know. haha. what the world needs now.. is more love and respect, both self respect and respect for others. uhhuh. cool. =)

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 9:22 PM
------ Thursday, May 19, 2005 .

I JUST DRANK CHICKEN ESSENCE!!!!!!! EEYURHHH!!!!!

:( -pukesblood-

aerin stoning again at 8:05 PM
------ .

checking of papers todayy. hmmm... i did CRAP for mid years. and my dad just wouldnt scold me. he just said.. "i told you so. HOWEVER, i know you did put in effort this time. just need more." shucks. i cant take it anymore. I FEEL LIKE A FRIGGIN' FAILURE!!! i was SUPPOSED to perform this time. to show the world that i do not have the word "LOSER" inscribed on my forehead. so maybe i was wrong. sighh. i was disappointed with myself. seriously. and when i got the chemistry paper, i was really OVERWHELMED with.. rubbish? i just started crying. and after 10 seconds of crying. i found the current situation very hilarious. so i started laughing like CRAZY and freaked everyone around me out. i let my tuition teacher down with my crap a maths results. and my bio.. hah. i was expecting an A2 or B3. in the end, i got a B4. wow. :( im upset.

[grace: heyy. im sorry i blew up today in the hall. i was just totally freaked by my geog results, and shirlene koh had to be an ass and yell at me at the wrong time. im sorry!]

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 7:27 PM
------ Wednesday, May 18, 2005 .

after reading somebody's post, i was really affected by what she wrote. it kinda connected with me.. and i started asking questions. where is my faith? what is faith? no matter how many times people tell me that faith is when you open a can of coke and you dont smell it to see if its coke. things like that, i still dont get it. i dont know how faith feels like. i dont know whether i have faith in the Savior. living has no longer any purpose when i do not even know if i believe in my own heart. sometimes i wish i was living in the times when christ was still on earth. then i could really touch and feel and see the son of God and embrace him and talk to him and hear his voice and listen to his words. sometimes i really wish i would be transported back in time and i would be able to see him. i wish. in the Bible it states that blessed are those who have not seen and believe. i have not seen. do i believe? and because God cannot be seen, i feel as though im talking to myself when i pray. i know he can hear me, and i know he is there. yet, when i know he embraces me, i cannot feel it. i cannot hear his voice. yet i know he exists everywhere.

"He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God."
John 8:47

i cannot hear him. do i belong to him?

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 11:49 PM
------ Sunday, May 15, 2005 .

sometimes, i really pity my dad. at night, he cant sleep cause my mom keeps talking to herself. no. make that talking to me, just that im not there, im in my room, sleeping. yeahh. my mom's psychotic. just the other day, i was clearing out my room, which, btw, thank GOD that it doesnt look like a battlefield anymore, and i heard this faint mumbling. i left to trace the source, and LO AND BEHOLD, i saw my mother talking as though i was standing there, but the fact was i wasnt. and DUH i was freaked out. i seriously think my mom needs a psychiatist. and i asked my dad if i could stay at my cousin's house or camp outside school till the o levels are over. and he said... "just shut up and go to your room." haha. arsehole. ohwell. anyway, something has been bugging me for quite a while. how can anyone say 'because i love you, thats why i hit you.' i mean, if anyone said that to me when i was 5, i would have most probably grow up to be the most violent person in the world. its as good as saying 'because God loves you, thats why he sent me to kill you.' which is similar to what happened in kingdom of heaven. doesnt anyone think that its weird? i grew up in an enviroment where my parents believe STRONGLY in physical punishment, and regular doses of mental torture as well. and me and my brother grew up fearing not my parents, but the cane. so, logically speaking, arent my parents kinda like. failures? their own children fear a mere object more than them. i dont think thats a good way of using the authority given by God. i believe that there must be other ways of punishment besides physical abuse. i swear, that if i ever whack my children as how my dad did next time, may the Lord strike me with a lightning bolt. amen.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 10:07 PM
------ Saturday, May 14, 2005 .

i need to learn to forgive. hmm...
and i need to learn to be tactful.
did something really bad just now. but i deleted it away.
and im going to apologise to those people ive hurt.
my house is not just an area where people live.
its where my family and where my home is.
its not a hotel. and i will not come and go as i please.
the sermon today was good.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 11:29 PM
------ Thursday, May 12, 2005 .

its hard being a human. sometimes, i really wished i wasnt born a person, but as a dog or any other animal. so many times this week, ive felt and thought about things that i shouldnt be thinking about or feeling. i ask myself. why do i help people? for the sake of getting the person to like me? or purely due to the goodness of my heart, inspired by Jesus. i wonder. did i do it then because of the former or the latter. do i praise God because i have to? or because i fear Him? or because i love Him? i feel like a hypocrite. i dont even know the purpose of doing certain things i do. im sick and tired of this. i should just be put to sleep. and again. i do not practice what i preech. afew posts before, i talked about suicide. and the honouring of our parents for bringing us into this earth. but yet. i do not do what i say. what kind of christian am i? one who is weak, and cowardly. fearful of men. there is absolutely no point in me going for bible study, classes, lessons, services and mass when i cant even do the basics. why do i go then. to be more holy? to feel more holy?

Daddy, aid me.

`jiaqi.

"All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Proverbs 16:2-3

aerin stoning again at 6:28 PM
------ Wednesday, May 11, 2005 .

watched kingdom of heaven today with zhixin, grace, lydia and lynette. omgoshh. EPIC. great show. =) enjoyed it very much. its very touching, and what orlando said about jerusalem, it just grabbed my soul. seriously. was really thrown aback by the violence and gruesome images as well. and PISSED off. people who say they fight in the name of Christ and Allah. bullshit. they just want Jerusalem. not cause of any religous reason. like. cause Christ died there or something. but because of greed. HUMAN GREED. self is always above others. never the other way round. i think, the character orlando was playing as was a perfect knight. to fight for others. and never for self. i bet during that time, the leaders must have fed the loyal soldiers some cock and bull story about fighting for Allah or Christ. yeahh. to get them to fight, thinking its nobel. YETTT. thats not the case. IT WAS DECEIT!! i dont know much of history, but i know. that many times, people fight and innocent lives are sacrifaced because of the greed of lords. of people with authority. these people should DIE and ROT IN HELL. grrr... im so pissed. seriously. i know its just a show and whatever. but. its just shell shocking to see the greed of humans steal lives and destory families TIME AND TIME AGAIN. im truly pissed. terrorists fighting in the name of jihaad? right. i know nothing about jihaad. or religous war. all i know. is that people are sacrifacing their lives for a cause that is totally unethical and not morally upright. it is for greed, deceit and money that these people die for. not for the honour of their country, not for the lives and freedom for their people. its for their lords who do not care two hoots about them. thats why they are dying and giving up their lives for. good news for today. i learnt two islamic words!!! =) "assalammualaikum" and "wa`alaikumsalam" =) sahira taught me!!! finally. i never understood how to say it properly. haha. and i found the islamic names of certain prophets mentioned in the holy bible.

Isa - Jesus
Yahya - John
Daud - David
Nuh - Noah
Uzair - Ezra
Lut - Lot
Ayyub - Job
Idris - Enoch
Sulaiman - Soloman
Yusuf - Joseph
Ishaq - Issac

and a couple more which im too lazy to type out. =) WATCH KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 9:51 PM
------ Tuesday, May 10, 2005 .

i figured why people are so uptight about the WHOLE different religon thing. like the catholics and the protestants. everybody's afraid, deep down inside, that they are believing in the wrong thing. its ALL about salvation. people no longer believe in God because they want to. they believe in God JUST to get salvation.
"Not everyone who says to me,"Lord,Lord." will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven."
Matthew 7:21

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 10:19 PM
------ Monday, May 09, 2005 .

i was just thinking yesterday. different people are vulnerable to different aspects of life. like... take for example. me and my friend, A. A cries at romantic sappy love shows, whereas i find them EXTREMELY funny. but when i start crying like mad over war shows, she falls asleep. anyway. thats not my point today. its suicide. lately, more and more people attempts suicide. yet. if you think about it carefully. your life doesnt truly belong to us. yes, agreed, we ARE individuals who have freedom over our own lives, yet... that statement is just strange. you did not create yourself. so how can you truly own yourself. for christians, they believe that the Lord is the creator of everything in this earth. and yet. they commit suicide. do they truly have the rights to take away something that they do not own? i believe that only the Lord has the right to take away our souls, kill us, and aspects to that effect. because He created us! not anybody else. and certainly not ourselves. this applies to self mutation as well. though we all have weaknesses and succumb to such acts. its like lying. we are so vulnerable and so easily succumb to lying. but we know its wrong. its the same. i cannot deny that i am no god. and i have mutated my own body before. but at least. now. i TRY not to. its the effort. but ANYWAY. im digressing AGAIN.
for non-christians. they do not believe in the Creator of heaven and earth. then. at least they should believe that it was their parents who created them. so in some absurd way. our parents, who take care of us, and give their all to us, gave us life as well. should we not be grateful to them and love them for the rest of our lives? instead, people commit suicide. forgetting that they are bound for eternity to their parents, due to this 'debt'. we were in our mother's womb for 9months. for 9months, she slogged, carrying this huge THING in her body. does that not count for anything? i think it is plain selfish and cowardly to try to kill ourselves. because we face certain embarassing, frustrating or angering problems. i think to be able to pick ourselves is something courageous. forget whatever happened before. its over. but whats important is that we live for today. and remember those who had picked us up from whatever has happened. because these people, are truly God sent.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 3:36 PM
------ Sunday, May 08, 2005 .

Psalm 117

Praise the Lord, all you nations;
extol Him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord
endures forever.
Praise the Lord.

Amen.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 10:14 PM
------ .

heard a couple of bad news today. im feeling kinda depressed now actually. especially after watching the first movie of inuyasha. toki o koeru omoi. ITS SO SAD!!! seriously. i cried like mad. kagome is so sweet, so is inuyasha. -beamms- bought david tao's new album, great leap. its not bad. my dad asked me to buy it for him. WEIRD. oh well. went all the way to sunshine plaza, anime house, to buy harukunaru toki no naka de. but there was no stock. and i have to wait till a month later. by then, i would have saved enough money to buy shaman king dvd, if aniki doesnt get from his friend. grrr... today has not been a good day. feel like crap and rubbish.

sometimes, i dont even know what im doing anymore. when i do something and ask myself, whats my motive, i cant even answer myself. i dont know why. i cant even confirm whether im doing something out of sheer self-pity, to seek attention, or just coz i just want to do it. i dont know whats my boat. what is it!? i still bounded by the traditions of the church, the teachings passed down by my parents. i dont know what to do anymore. chichiue. tasukette. amen.

today's bible study was CHIM!!! it was seriously tough to comprehend. i went home with a headache just trying to recall what uncle daniel said. maybe im pushing myself too hard. people learn and study for the sake of the exams. they want to do well because they want to. im forcing myself to do well for the sake of others. just to prove to everybody that im not an idiot. that im no failure. rakugosha janai.

Daddy. aid me.
Daddy, heal those who are sick.
Daddy, bless those who cannot hear you.
Amen.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 8:46 PM
------ Saturday, May 07, 2005 .

I JUST MET THE FUNNIEST PASTOR IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!! pastor evan walker.
omgoshh. you cannot believe how funny this guy is. he is SSSOOOO funny, i seriously think, if he wasnt a pastor, he can jolly well go join "whose line is it anyway?" he would be popular over there. omgoshh. and he's ssooo dramatic! seriously. haha. i even recorded down his sermon. TOO BAD my phone couldnt record properly, so the quality of sound is BAD. or else i could have posted it here or something. he's GOOD. i love his sermon. one of the best that ive been to. and ive been listening to quite a number of sermons, talks whateverr. in any case, THIS MAN ROCKS!!!! =) though i havent figured what my boat is yet, but.... i will. HAVE FAITH!! =)

and i am pissed about something. I CANNOT WATCH KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!!! i want to kill the aunty who said that me and zhixin cant watch. its not even stated anywhere in the blasted poster that its an NC-16 show!! and besides. im 16 already. me and zhixin were shell-shocked when the auntie said "kingdom of heaven ah. liang zhang IC. mei you IC bu ke yi kan." and i was like. WOAH. ic. right. and when she saw our ezlink, she was like. "ah.ba yue, bu ke yi." I MEAN. seriously. im seriously going to 'pop', turn mature all of a sudden on august the 19th. yeah. totally. and grow a beard as well. SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO CHANGE THAT STUPID LAW!!!! grrr... nevermindd.

"Then Jesus cried out, "When a man believes in me, he does not believe in me only, but in the one who sent me. When he looks at me, he sees the one who sent me. I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness."
John 12:44-46"

i will find what my boat is and surrender it to Him!!! ^_^

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 10:55 PM
------ Friday, May 06, 2005 .

i wanted to cry when i saw the a maths paper.
omgoshhhh. SO DIFFICULT LAHH!!! =(
gonna fail. nope. i must be optimistic. MIGHT fail.
took neos with zhixin/teoteo, jeslin/beeyan/kuku and joanne/yixin today.
WE ALL HAVE SPILT PERSONALITY!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
i think BEEYAN should go audition at mediacorp. seriously.
she'll get the funny award every year.
ending note.
A MATHS PAPER SUCKED.

`jiaqi.

SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE!!
SHAMAN KING!!

aerin stoning again at 9:43 PM
------ Wednesday, May 04, 2005 .

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

grace sent this to me. for encouragement. haha. to quote zhixin "i dont understand why she sent this to me lorhh!!!" haha. kuku-nated friends, i have. STARWARS!!!!!!! muahahaha. anakin is UGLY. oh well. bio paper was screwed. hmmm.. social studies was screwed as well. so there's not much happy things to write about. except... oh yeah!! SHAMAN KING AND INUYASHA ON ARTS CENTRAL AT 11-12AM TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! =) be sure to catch it!!! HAH. had lunch with zx and grace today after the papers. lunch is fun with them. zx ALWAYS NEVER fails to remind me to say grace. haha. which is good. cause i ALWAYS forget.
and i slept for only 3hrs yesterday. im glad that i didnt study much on the flowers thing. it came out only like. afew questions throughout the whole paper, which, for MCQ, i finished it in 15mins. nothing to be proud of. i was just so freakin' tired that i rushed through the whole paper and fell asleep. without even checking. i cant even remember what are the questions that i did. BOOHOO.
i love making fun of my brother. just afew minutes ago, i went up to him and made a funny face at him. and he said this. "DONT MAKE FUN OF ME LAHH!!! I FORGOT TO BRING THE CHOCOLATES! THATS WHY I CAME BACK!" and.. he let the cat out of the bag. i didnt even know that he came back. IDIOT. had egg nogg today. OMGOSH. it tastes like milk, melted vanilla ice cream, and cucumber blended together. if you wanna know how egg nogg tastes like. try the blend. simple to make, difficult to eat. HAH. -_-.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 6:07 PM
------ Tuesday, May 03, 2005 .

i found out something seriously interesting today. besides the fact that starbucks can refill your tea after you have finished it, God answers our prayers in very amazing ways!!! =) many times, when i pray and I THINK He doesnt answer my prayers, He does. i just dont see it. like. this happened twice already.
1) a couple of days ago, i was stuck out of my house, and i didnt have the keys. so i called for help. and it seemed ALMOST impossible for a key to just suddenly appear in front of me, so i asked again, for my brother to come home earlier to open the door for me. and he did. but anyway. the next day. when i was preparing to go for bible study, guess what....... MY KEYS WERE IN MY BAG ALL ALONG!!! hah. so He did answer my prayer. :)
2) two nights ago, i was looking for this verse in the bible. and i couldnt find it, so i asked for help. and even after that. i couldnt find that verse at all. (john 14:6) so i had to ask my brother. obviously it was a wrong desicion to make at that time, so i stayed up till 4am arguing with my brother over what had happened 2000 years ago. just now, i tried looking for the verse again. and i GAVE UP. so. i searched the net. and when i refered back to my bible... guess what. I HAD ALREADY BOXED UP THAT WHOLE CHAPTER!!! if only i had read the box carefully, i wouldnt even end up in an argument with that arse. HAH. mysterious ways of the Lord.

anyway. didnt go to school today. (DUH!) found out from cherlynn that only 18 people went and the whole day was self study, self study and more self study. HAH. and i have a new ambition!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to be... a PILOT!!! HAHAHA. JUST LIKE SHINKAI HAJIME IN THE SHOW!!!!!!! OMGOSH!!! i wanna wear that jacket with 4 stripes on it!!! =) zettai kakkoi desu ne!! (TOTALLY COOL!!) i was so happy about the whole show thing. until, my dad had to say this. "jiaqi ahh. remember what i told you when you were young? pilots need PERFECT 6/6 eyesight ahh..." like. thanks what. met jeslin, yanting, melissa, jing ru and zhixin today. haha. funny people. ESPECIALLY JESLIN. studying bio with her is insane. haha. tomorrow, if ever white blood cells come out in the question, i would know how to answer. (MONSTER JESLIN EATING UP DEAD MONSTER JESLIN. = PHAGOCYTOSIS) haha. then went to starbucks with zhixin. was totally fun!!! and i have a mutation of smiley faces in my biology book and hand now. all thanks to zhixin.
sometimes, i feel really inferior when i picture myself next to him. he's SSSOOOO skinny, and im not. if we were ever a couple, everybody would say we arent compatible. but i dont care. because he's....... ASAKURA YOH, SHAMAN KING!!! MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!! i can imagine gwen's face when she reads this. if she ever does. HAH.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 9:34 PM
------ Monday, May 02, 2005 .

my brother is the world's BIGGEST ARSEHOLE!!!! i dont hate him. i hate his actions. the way he just succumbs to sin and anger. and he seems to condone things that we were brought up to detest. and i hate the way he acts as though he is the smartest arse around and tries to confuse me even more. the more i want to leave this vicious circle, he pulls me in more. i dont understand why he is like that. if he is posessed by some annoying spirit, then i pray that that stupid spirit or minion sent by that jackass down in hell would disintegrate in the presense of the Lord. GRRRRRRRRR. i mean. my exams are like. THIS WEEK!!?? and he made me stay up till 4am to argue over some rubbish. he stereotypes, but hates it when people call catholics a cult. why people have such distorted views on the church is due to arseholes like him, who cant be bothered to rectify the problem, and get ALL angry when he hears all those rumours. in times like this, we can only ask ourselves... WHO'S DAMN FAULT IS IT!? he does not practice what he preaches. and calls me self righteous, like the pharacies. WHATEVER. stupid man. made me scream profanities so many times. asshole. arsehole. bastard. jerk. wanker.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 6:40 PM
------ Sunday, May 01, 2005 .

i feel like rubbish now. whatever i have done in the past, and have been doing it recently, have been torn down into pieces and thrown into front of me. all that i have believed was false. all of it was a lie. and no matter how i try so hard to protect it, i cannot. i can no longer find any excuse, theory, hypothesis or evidence even, to protect it. i believed in it so much, my very life had depended on it. in desperation, sometimes, pure evil and hatred would creep into my mind and i try so hard to psyche myself that maybe, whatever he said was wrong. maybe he was just trying to convert another somebody and make his church grow bigger. maybe, he just treats this like a hunting game. yet at the very end, i knew that the only one in denial was myself. there seemed to be no way left, for me to keep its name. for me to be proud of it. i am ashamed of myself. i once sat in some corner with another person, and told her with such arrogance. "I have decided. and i believe in it." had i truly believed in it? or was it just a statement that i had said in order to block out the voice of my conscience?
it is similar to how a person would feel if she found out that her best friend had killed somebody. she wants to believe that she didnt, but all evidence is against her. and there is no way she could say that her best friend didnt kill anyone. everything i had done, and everything i had believe in... was due to some jackass who came up with it. it was not the truth. i sit in my room and comtemplate. should i carry on my current routine? or stop it? yet everytime i feel absolute, heavy guilt being recklessly thrown upon whenever i think of quitting. when i think of letting go. for now, all i can do is pray. and listen.

`jiaqi.

aerin stoning again at 1:15 AM
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